Crushes are a fundamental part of growing up and I was no stranger to them. My love often unrequited in my youth, by them time I was 19 I had still never been in a relationship and unfortunately it ate me alive.
Nothing really seemed to fill the hole I felt I had in my life without another half, it didn’t help that I had seen my peers soar in the department I couldn’t seem to walk in. I was restless, watching, fantasizing, waiting for my turn until one day it came to me.
Unexpected and unwanted, I fell in love for the first time when I was 20 years old. It was summer, my first year at university approaching in the fall and I had been feeling the walls of my childhood home closing in on me.
He became the light in my life and I was instantly drawn to him. We’ll call him M. M was charming and intuitive, much more mature than the boys my age but not in a way that threw me off which is what I was use to.
We had so much in common, my love for Dominic fike peaked at this time and he had felt seen in the man the way I did. I thought he was the coolest guy I’d ever met and he seemed to be fond of me too.
I never experienced that before, the way he talked about me, the way he yearned to know me. I was so hesitant in the beginning, the fear I had crippled me but the love brewing within me was stronger. Looking back on it now I wonder if that was just nerves or intuition.
The sun beamed down on us in the summer of 2023 as we fell in love, I’ll never forget the feeling. It was addicting, obsessive, maddening and still pure, gentle and kind. I never knew I could be so devoted to someone. I discovered so much about myself because of it.
I love religiously, i’m a lot more afraid than I let on, i’m passionate and my loyalty knows no bounds. With all of that I discovered I can be ruthless, reactive, impulsive and cruel and that’s a shame I carry with me because I hurt that man so.
He hurt me first.
Our love burned out eventually and two years later I can honestly say that I am a different person. I carry my past with me everywhere I go and I definitely contributed to our demise a lot more than I’d like to admit.
I did my best. It was my first time being that close to someone and I do not come from a place that made loving easy. I regret my mistakes but I sleep at night knowing I was true. I was raw, I was real, I was honest even when I wasn’t. I loved him.
Rumor has it that your first love stays with you, i’m afraid of that. I’m afraid that he’ll haunt me forever. I wish I never saw the sun shine.