A New Day

.Today, I start my life.

What does it mean to be alive ? I ask myself this day in and day out as life passes me by, watching others thrive while I struggle to survive. Out of all of the cards life could deal me, why these ?

Nothing has ever come easy to me and although I manage, I envy those who seem carefree. I’m aware that life can be much worse but I wonder what about me seems capable enough to carry the weight of my world on my shoulders.

My life feels so dark, I try to hold onto hope, be as optimistic as I can but as my days begin to bleed into one another, I find myself hoping for tomorrow.

A new day, one where i’m able to breathe. One where I’m not just surviving, i’m present and am able to put my best foot forward everyday. Which is why, I’m going back to therapy.

At this point in my life I need a lifeline, I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like the past two years ( or the past twenty-two for that matter ) I’m ready to flourish. I feel little figments of hope often, moments that keep me going.

---

The last time it happened was my best-friends birthday, my heart was so heavy. Abandoned again and expected to show up for someone else, wanting to and doing so. It was a hard Monday, I had a meltdown in the mall picking up some things for her and as overwhelming the day had been I still felt so much joy because I got to celebrate her.

It’s the little things in my life that make me willing to wake up in the morning, with the slimmer of hope that it’ll be better than the last. Sometimes it is, other times not so much but there’s always another day.

I hope a year from now I can look back to this passage and be grateful that I made the decision to get some help, I hope that I commit to this in a real way unlike all the times I tried and failed to get better.

Feelings are temporary, it has to rain in order for you to appreciate that the sun is out. It rains a lot around me but hopefully with this step i’m prepared for the next time it does.

Theres a version of me that exist that is able to advocate for themselves, able to communicate, able to regulate their emotions, able to process their feelings, make good decisions. I look forward to the morning I wake up and realize that, I look forward to a new day.